Book Review — How to Feel by Sushma Subramanian
11 Feb 24, written after reading the book “How to Feel: The Science and Meaning of Touch.” Thanks to Prasad for sharing this book, and to his friend Prateek for gifting it thoughtfully to Prasad. Bonus thanks to Prasad for maintaining books on display at his dental clinic.
The book says, “Some of the greatest love stories of all time started with the gentlest of touches.” Back in 2022, I experienced this. It didn’t last very long, but that’s a story for another day. However, I can tell you — it was great. The same was a moment for Sushma when she met her partner, and the first time they touched, she describes:
“When we held hands for the first time while together at his apartment, it was like an electrical current ran up my arm and dislodged something in my throat.”
I didn’t consciously choose this book, but I learned about it through book club WhatsApp group chats a long time ago. I ignored it as the title did not entice me back then but I see I had added it to my wishlist. While meeting my dentist friend at his clinic, I stumbled upon it. I borrowed it as soon as I understood its theme. My friend obliged, saying, “I know you’ll read it and also write about it.” And here we are.
Just as I discovered this book by chance, its theme is a blind spot for most of us: touch. For people who don’t have easy access to touch, it’s through moments that life throws at us, and by happy accidents, we understand its importance.
The book talks about various aspects of touch and touching. It discusses social stigmas, the science of touch, the importance of tactile experiences, and how incorporating touch into our daily lives can enhance our well-being.
We’ve come a long way from our hunter-gatherer origins, where we spent our days roaming naked in nature in pursuit of prey, to becoming a hyper-connected species glued to laptops, often isolated from meaningful human interaction. As someone who works remotely, there are days when my fist human interaction occurs only in the latter half of the day. Most of my workdays go by with zero-verbal or real human interaction.
In an attempt to address this issue, I recently enrolled in Ukulele classes near my home two weeks ago. But we’ll go deeper into the pros and cons of remote work (the pros are more, obviously). The book gives insights into what we’re missing out on due to this lifestyle and suggests potential ways to optimize our lives by incorporating the essential human sense of touch we’re inherently gifted with.
Writing about a complex topic in a simple manner is a skill. The writing here is simple and flows smoothly. Every page and paragraph is packed with lots of information, yet you’ll navigate through the pages easily, capturing the points you like and rereading some. Surprisingly, the entire book didn’t mention the word ‘oxytocin’.
After understanding how much of who we become as adults is shaped by our childhood and upbringing, I strongly feel that we need to prioritize emotions and our biological functioning. Sadly, the world we live in today doesn’t consider this too well. It often addresses wrongdoings and mistakes with fear and isolation — seen in the legal system, prisons, and most schools. Instead of equipping individuals with the means to lead fulfilling lives after prison, it simply strips away their freedom as a form of punishment. Check out “How Norway’s Prisons Are Different From America’s”.
I know a student in my music class who is learning to play the guitar. Our instructor asked her to sing a simple song, but she couldn’t. She claimed she felt anxious even in this low-stakes environment. I kid you not, this woman has a degree in classical music. When asked why, she explained that whenever she made mistakes, her father would scold her, and the same atmosphere continued in her college. This is the same story for many individuals who grew up in such households and for those who approach things with toughness. To no surprise, our instructor could not understand wht she was saying and consoled her with general motivation fluff.
His lab became one of the first in the United States to attempt to raise rhesus macaques, which was the most affordable monkey available, so he proceeded with extreme care. He made sure they were fed well and took the proper medicines. To stave off infections, he separated them from their mothers and placed them in their own cages. Inadvertently, he re-created the same conditions of the foundling homes. As the monkeys got older, they started exhibiting odd behaviors. Racked with boredom, they sat and stared remotely into space. They sucked their thumbs and rocked their bodies violently. When they were brought together to breed as teenagers, they had no idea what they were supposed to do with each other. They weren’t used to regular socialization, so they inched away to be on their own.
The book also talks about how touching, in general, is a feminine activity. It is odd for men to be touchy or to touch others casually. But we are all humans and biologically built in a way with certain needs and wants, and touch is a basic human sense, so we need it. No questions asked. It also covers chapters on good and bad touch, how our cultures lost touch, tech on touch — touch through tech, and the future of touch through tech.
A large part of the book goes into talking about technology — how the current one has deprived us of it despite the hyperconnectivity. Also part of it serves its functioning to makes us feel touchy and mimic what we like. Some examples are the haptic feedback, ebooks vs. physical books (physical are better, of course), the field of ‘mouth touch’ that optimizes for how food items feel, and more. It is surprising how much research is going on in this field.
I loved the part that explained how touch actually works in the brain and the body. It described how our first reaction when we feel pain is to put our hand on the pain-point. One section explained why you cannot tickle yourself!
The book also delves into the rise of the profession of cuddling. As more and more people spend time in nuclear families, and a significant portion live by themselves without access to close connections, such jobs are on the rise. It’s classic supply and demand; this profession exists because there’s a need for it. Not ideal, and on a personal level, I dislike how it is capitalized, but it certainly solves a problem. It also explores the moral dilemmas of cuddling and sex work, which is probably the oldest profession (see this experiment: Monkey Business). Cuddling or paid sex releases brain hormones, and if done correctly, it can be considered better than coping mechanisms like substances that do the same thing.
More so, you will establish a strong connection with the book as it also serves as a personal memoir. The author enrolled herself in a massage school to confront her biases and rediscover the significance of touch. Sections of the book guide you through her progress in the massage school and how the classes gave her a fresh perspective on touch.
The world has moved from public baths to an era where entire lives can be spent with an internet connection and minimal social interaction (hikikomori phenomenon). Loneliness has become an epidemic, and products such as sex dolls, toys, and professions centered around touch and human connection are growing. We must rethink; I don’t think this is the evolution we needed. It creates individuals who may excel in all things but lack human connection.
Surely, I’ve developed a new understanding of touch and will be more conscious of touch in all aspects. I’ll end this review with the words: there are some things you might not feel you needed them, and this book is one such thing. Surely give it a read. The bonus is the numerous book recommendations you get while reading the book.
I know putting anything into practice from this book in real life is going to be a challenge. But a good start, as suggested by Prasad, is to just include an element of touch along with a greeting. The book also says, do it for the sake of doing it like we naturally navigate our eyes to the sky or clouds Let’s see how that goes.
Most touchy set of words from the book: ‘I desired the affection of other people more than I once knew.’
You can check out my highlights from the book on this page.
You may check out everything I wrote between June 2022 and November 2023 on this page; I then moved to this platform.
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