R.I.P. Lotus
20 Dec 2023, trigger warnings — suicide, losing a father
Yesterday, I came across a LinkedIn post by a young man in his 20s. He was happy and praising his dad for being “stoic,” claiming he needed no wisdom from books and YouTube channels because everything he needed was readily available from his father. The post concluded with a tribute to dads who navigate life without complaints.
This post is about the less celebrated aspect of the stoic Indian dad and men.
I lost my father this August. What sometimes stings is that he did everything the society dictates for a man: he moved from a village to a big city, got married, had a kid, started a business, and stuck with one major client for most of his working life. He even bought a home. He ticked all the boxes, but what he rarely did was enjoy his life and find ease once he had done enough for the day. I can’t recall him being at ease in his last year when he was struggling with his health, nor in the years when I was growing up.
It’s one part of the story that your happiness is your responsibility. Despite working long hours and meeting societal expectations, how can someone still feel a scarcity of happiness?
Last Saturday, after meeting my friends, I returned home and began working on a side project. An hour in, I received a call from a friend in Bangalore. He sounded worried, and one question led to another until he told me about his uncle had passed away. More shockingly, he had taken his own life.
For the sake of the story, let’s call him Mr. Lotus — that’s his name when translated from Sanskrit. A man in his late 30s, physically healthy and enjoying a happy family life with a wife and two daughters, made the heartbreaking decision to take his own life. He left behind a teenage daughter, an elder daughter who had just begun her engineering studies, and a wife managing everything at home.
Here’s the backstory: one of Mr. Lotus’ financially struggling siblings, residing in a village, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Frustrated by the slow response from a government hospital, the family opted for a private one. The private hospital initially quoted a treatment cost of 2 lacs, but the final bill skyrocketed to 10 lacs for just a month of treatment. Initially, all the relatives came together to bear the burden, but eventually, some withdrew their support after contributing what they could.
Mr. Lotus began to worry about the costs and how they would manage. He questioned why the treatment cost turned out to be 5 times more than what they were informed, suspecting that the private hospital might be running a scam.
In his note, he mentioned the names of some doctors from the hospital, accusing them of committing a scam. He also asked that his family be taken care of, as he wrote those words deciding to leave them in sorrow.
How would the brother undergoing treatment feel upon learning about the incident? He had recently come out of the ICU, and one day he would discover that his brother is gone, burdened by medical bills.
Here’s some additional info about Lotus : my friend mentioned that Lotus was the man who always made everyone laugh at functions. He cracked jokes, volunteered to asked how you were doing, and made sure you were well-fed at weddings. They had a perfectly happy family without any major feuds. Also, the siblings were close to each other. The family of four was financially sound, owned a house, had a car, and even rented out a place — Lotus had met all societal expectations placed on a man as he opens his eyes on this planet.
Given all these positive qualities and traits, how could a sudden, unexpected medical and financial issue in the extended family lead someone to take such a drastic step? Remains the question.
Or was this a buildup and a pile of many hidden and unresolved issues that he was never comfortable sharing with his friends and family and this society?
The moment I heard the story, it reminded me of the case of Sushant Singh Rajput. A talented young actor excelling in his career, taking his own life during the Covid lockdowns. Another case that comes to mind is that of Aaron Swartz, who worked in the early days of Reddit (interestingly, I got to know this friend of mine through Reddit and met him IRL in 2021). This incident also brings back memories of my father and how troubled he was during his last few months.
What’s up with these young people who seem happy, show no signs of depression, are excelling in their careers, and have no apparent financial issues, yet choose to end their lives?
It’s a thing in our society and culture that men are the ones expected to inherently carry the weight of the world. In many families, they are wired to do so from their childhood. Is it their fault? They grow up witnessing a scenario where the man takes care of everything while the woman of the house limits herself to household matters.
Like a dog on the street, we humans are all inherently alone, a family gives us a close emotional purpose in this meaningful yet meaningless life, and there we play different roles as we age. However, why is it that often, when it comes to our own issues, we struggle to have the necessary conversations within the family? Could things be different if people were more open and didn’t shy away from addressing problems? This is something we need to ponder because the next such Mr. Lotus scenario might be someone close to us, and it could happen to literally anyone.
It’s only been about four months since my father passed away. Personally, I too am navigating a tumultuous wave of emotions while juggling the various aspects of life. With the arrival of that unexpected day, a sense of responsibility naturally took over on me and more so, in my head — I felt compelled to fill a void in the family. The very next day, people in my father’s village were quick to advise me on taking care of my mom and managing the household. What struck me was that their concern was solely about my income and when I planned to get married. None of them took a moment to inquire about how I was coping after facing such a crisis in my life.
The universe and human wiring often lean towards seeing females as the more vulnerable section of society, but it’s crucial to remember that both genders are humans. I don’t recall reading about distinct ways men and women process emotions in their brains. If there’s no separate way of dealing with issues at therapy for men and women, then why isn’t the same love, care, and affection universally applicable to men?
As I write this, I’m aware of the counterarguments. There’s the presence of toxicity in many male groups, where emotions are seldom discussed. It’s rare to find spaces where men can freely express how they feel. I didn’t have a support group until I was 23, and the one I have now took me more than a year to cultivate.
Forming such a group is a process, with a lot of unlearning involved. Majority of men lack access to this. For most, it’s a blind spot, and those who have it, are privileged and know the value of quality friends and upbringing. A measure of this might be — when was the last time you comfortably cried in front of someone, and the person didn’t stop you? Or when was the last time you hugged someone or someone offered a hug?
We’ve got this whole culture built around celebrating new beginnings, like weddings, but we hardly discuss the mental challenges that hit you when life takes a tough turn. Nobody teaches kids how to handle emotions or crises, and these crucial topics often get brushed aside. It is a cycle because most don’t know how to process these emotions themselves.
Why? Because, frankly, sad moments and tough experiences aren’t socially acceptable as the happy ones. If you’re going through a rough patch, somehow you’re seen as weak. It’s disheartening that with all the progress we’ve made for humans and the planet, we’re still stuck here.
Then there’s this whole other thing about men expressing emotions and shedding a tear. Society often mocks that. Men are supposed to be dominant, carefree, have a killer physique and earn big. If you don’t fit into this mold, too bad, you don’t get the “certificate” proving your masculinity.
‘[Since childhood] we are taught to ignore sadness, to stuff it down into our satchels and pretend it isn’t there. As adults, we often have to learn to hear the clarity of its call. That is wintering. It is the active acceptance of sadness. It is the practice of allowing ourselves to feel it as a need. It is the courage to stare down the worst parts of our experience and to commit to healing them the best we can. Wintering is a moment of intuition, our true needs felt keenly as a knife.’ “Like happiness — which, as George Eliot well knew, is a skill we incrementally master as we grow older — sadness, May reminds us, is also a skill: There are self-punishing ways to be sad, and self-salving ways to be sad. In skillful wintering, we learn the difference between the two.” — Katherine May
This entire culture of surface-level stoicism, perpetual positivity, relentless pursuit of happiness, the constant hustle to be the alpha, and the 24/7 grind is divisive, and it only takes one crisis in life to shatter it all. Ignoring unresolved emotions and life events is like storing up trouble, and sooner or later, it catches up with you. By the way, if you’re wondering what an alpha male is, you can check it out in the video below.
I’ve got more questions and not a very clear conclusion for this piece. But what I’m urging you to do is to be kinder, more considerate, lend an ear, and turn to the people in your life when things get tough. Learn to unapologetically enjoy your free time doing whatever makes you happy and set aside work sometimes. And if you don’t have a solid circle of friends, build one, even if the process involves cutting-off people from your life. From my personal experience, I can vouch for the immense value it will add to all aspects of your life. Seek good friends, and be a good friend when the time comes.
Remember my description of Mr. Lotus? I never knew him until his passing, and all of it was based on my friend’s account — the happy guy at weddings who makes sure who you well fed.
Consider how you would want to be remembered; perhaps that reflection would help you turn things around in life.
